You know, I envisioned this blog as a sister to my personal diary, a forum where I could dish out my most happy and saddest moments. Both my triumphs and tribulations. My expectations and grief. That has only partly come to fruition because guess what? Writing about your life isn’t easy when others are peering in. It’s tough to be totally honest when you have friends, family and peers watching, reading and probably judging. It has turned out to be much harder than I thought it would be.
It’s 10:32 on a warm Saturday night and I’ve now risen from a fitful nap. In that weird part of sleep where you’re awake but still sleeping, my mind is overrun by all the things that have been bothering me lately. Things I’ve discussed only with my husband, but mostly kept to myself.
A lot has been going on in my life lately. Much of it has to do with me trying to find, or build rather, my sense of purpose, my sense of being. I’m a new homeowner, I’m 10 months into a new job, I’m in the midst of thinking of how to diversify my blog and my livelihood and a myriad of other things. What’s really occupying my brain at the moment is whether I’m making enough of a difference in the world for me to matter.
Let me explain. Long story short, I’m struggling to find my purpose in the the world. And I’ve been struggling with it for some time now.
Why am I here? What was I placed on this earth to accomplish? Is the work I choose to do, to make a living, adding value to me or anyone else? Is this blog, adding value to me or anyone else? Are the initiatives I work on, helping anyone or making any changes? These are the questions that consistently troll my mind.
You see, money is not the be all and end all for me. I’m fortunate to have enough money to more than just survive but I’m not about doing things just for for the sake of it. Just to be able to buy stuff. Just to be able to pay my way through life. Me being here and the things I invest in, must have or mean something greater. And that’s where my challenge resonates.
It may seem fickle, but not knowing one’s purpose can bring about all sorts of not so good stuff. Anxiety, self-doubt, depression, and a host of other things.
For context, I switched careers four years ago, into one that pays well, uses a ton of brain cells and hard, good work is evident when all is said and done. But do I love it? I’m still figuring that out. I asked Sean the other day if four years is enough to determine if you like something or not. He has his thoughts, but I dunno, what do you think?
I’m seeing more than ever, where certain things are concerned, there’s definitely evidence of the sunk cost fallacy.
I recently resigned from my volunteer teaching post in an attempt to streamline my focus on certain things, but when my supervisor said “your dedication and cheerfulness will be greatly missed” I burst into tears because I felt like I was giving up on something meaningful. I felt so selfish. Like I was putting this wonderful thing aside, for some bullshit personal reason that probably doesn’t really mean anything.
I know, I know, I sound like I’m rambling. Hell, I FEEL like a ramble. Lol. But I’m working on a plan. I’m trying here. To make sense of things. Of where I’m currently at in life. On not questioning everything. On hoping for the best, and if I don’t get it, my ability to work with what’s left and make things happen.
I’m very much in a weird place at the moment as I know I’m about to make some major changes. Changes that scare me.
I’m shouting out to the universe (hoping that it hears me and gives some sort of reward) that I WILL be addressing my career (don’t worry boss, I’m here for a while!), my giving back to the community, my self-worth and confidence and most importantly, on my being.
Having a new home, a new career, (fairly) new family and new friendships, is a lot of new. A lot of excitement but many, many what ifs and how comes. These things may never change, or something else may wake in it’s path but I’m working on accepting that.
I’m in a good(ish) place right now in the grand scheme of things, and I really need to stop with all the guessing and self-pressure to fully enjoy it. A work in progress.
I’m reading, meditating and reflecting more, and over-thinking less. I need to get out of this entitled funk of thinking that someone, the world maybe, should tell me what my purpose is. I’m working hard on myself to figure things out.
You’re probably confused as to what this chat was really about (I hope not!) but it feels really good to get my thoughts out.
Do you know your life’s purpose? Care to share what it is? Any words of advice?
Thanks for stopping by!
PS ~ How I Save Money AND Live My Best Life and Is our Relationship with Social Media Making us Sad?
