Lifestyle

My Struggle on Purpose

By  La Shell Reid Hoilett

My Struggle on Purpose

You know, I envisioned this blog as a sister to my personal diary, a forum where I could dish out my most happy and saddest moments. Both my triumphs and tribulations. My expectations and grief. That has only partly come to fruition because guess what? Writing about your life isn’t easy when others are peering in. It’s tough to be totally honest when you have friends, family and peers watching, reading and probably judging. It has turned out to be much harder than I thought it would be.

It’s 10:32 on a warm Saturday night and I’ve now risen from a fitful nap. In that weird part of sleep where you’re awake but still sleeping, my mind is overrun by all the things that have been bothering me lately. Things I’ve discussed only with my husband, but mostly kept to myself.

A lot has been going on in my life lately. Much of it has to do with me trying to find, or build rather, my sense of purpose, my sense of being. I’m a new homeowner, I’m 10 months into a new job, I’m in the midst of thinking of how to diversify my blog and my livelihood and a myriad of other things. What’s really occupying my brain at the moment is whether I’m making enough of a difference in the world for me to matter.

Let me explain. Long story short, I’m struggling to find my purpose in the the world. And I’ve been struggling with it for some time now.

Why am I here? What was I placed on this earth to accomplish? Is the work I choose to do, to make a living, adding value to me or anyone else? Is this blog, adding value to me or anyone else? Are the initiatives I work on, helping anyone or making any changes? These are the questions that consistently troll my mind.

You see, money is not the be all and end all for me. I’m fortunate to have enough money to more than just survive but I’m not about doing things just for for the sake of it. Just to be able to buy stuff. Just to be able to pay my way through life. Me being here and the things I invest in, must have or mean something greater. And that’s where my challenge resonates.

It may seem fickle, but not knowing one’s purpose can bring about all sorts of not so good stuff. Anxiety, self-doubt, depression, and a host of other things.

For context, I switched careers four years ago, into one that pays well, uses a ton of brain cells and hard, good work is evident when all is said and done. But do I love it? I’m still figuring that out. I asked Sean the other day if four years is enough to determine if you like something or not. He has his thoughts, but I dunno, what do you think?

I’m seeing more than ever, where certain things are concerned, there’s definitely evidence of the sunk cost fallacy.

I recently resigned from my volunteer teaching post in an attempt to streamline my focus on certain things, but when my supervisor said “your dedication and cheerfulness will be greatly missed” I burst into tears because I felt like I was giving up on something meaningful. I felt so selfish. Like I was putting this wonderful thing aside, for some bullshit personal reason that probably doesn’t really mean anything.

I know, I know, I sound like I’m rambling. Hell, I FEEL like a ramble. Lol. But I’m working on a plan. I’m trying here. To make sense of things. Of where I’m currently at in life. On not questioning everything. On hoping for the best, and if I don’t get it, my ability to work with what’s left and make things happen.

I’m very much in a weird place at the moment as I know I’m about to make some major changes. Changes that scare me.

I’m shouting out to the universe (hoping that it hears me and gives some sort of reward) that I WILL be addressing my career (don’t worry boss, I’m here for a while!), my giving back to the community, my self-worth and confidence and most importantly, on my being.

Having a new home, a new career, (fairly) new family and new friendships, is a lot of new. A lot of excitement but many, many what ifs and how comes. These things may never change, or something else may wake in it’s path but I’m working on accepting that.

I’m in a good(ish) place right now in the grand scheme of things, and I really need to stop with all the guessing and self-pressure to fully enjoy it. A work in progress.

I’m reading, meditating and reflecting more, and over-thinking less. I need to get out of this entitled funk of thinking that someone, the world maybe, should tell me what my purpose is. I’m working hard on myself to figure things out.

You’re probably confused as to what this chat was really about (I hope not!) but it feels really good to get my thoughts out.

Do you know your life’s purpose? Care to share what it is? Any words of advice?

Thanks for stopping by!

PS ~ How I Save Money AND Live My Best Life and Is our Relationship with Social Media Making us Sad?

 

 



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  Comments: 16

16 responses to “My Struggle on Purpose”

  1. Rukh AZ says:

    WOW! that was worth a read. This, for sure, is a confusing yet happy stage. It’s great that you at least put your feelings into words. I’m in a condition where putting my feelings into words seems impossible. I hope thigs will settle down for us.

    Thanks for sharing!
    RUKH AZ,
    https://lifewithrukhaz.com/

  2. laura says:

    Girl I totally understand where you’re at in life! I to feel so lost and confused in the career aspect of my life right now… do i go to school? Do I love my job? these are questions im constantly going over in my head! I am just like you in the sense I keep questioning and second guessing myself as well! Right now, I am trying to relax, and really make a plan for myself! You’re not alone girl! xoxox

  3. Marielle says:

    I can resonate with this post since I also went through(still going through) a similar thing. It can really be confusing especially in the beginning but I can tell you that it really gets better as long as you keep a good mindset. You’ll get through it!

  4. I think our purpose changes with the seasons of life!

  5. Stefan says:

    This post is very relatable with me at the moment. While I was able to feel my way to what I believe my purpose in this life is, my current struggle is dealing with the expectations of this purpose. Most of the time, I’m paralyzed by the thoughts. Kudos to you for sharing this. I guess I’m not ready to put these thoughts down just yet; as I too have family/friends/associates watching my blog and I’m jut not in the place mentally to deal with whatever repercussions may come as a result. Again, this post resonates with me on such a profound level you wouldn’t believe.

  6. NicoletteB says:

    I loved this post probably because I can really relate as I too am going through a season like this. Hoping we can both find the answers we need in the near future.

  7. judith says:

    Such a great and honest post. I’m in thr same position. Im trying to learn to Ley Go and Let God, but harder said than done.

  8. It can really mess with your mind when you look around yourself and realise you’re not sure what to do, what you’re meant to, or even what you WANT to do, but do keep in mind that this happens to everyone. You’re not alone with your worries, so don’t keep them bottled up if they are getting to you. If your friends and family judge you, then they aren’t worth your time. Just try to focus on what brings YOU happiness and do more of that, because you can’t be your best self and give back to others if you’re feeling empty! I wish you all the best

  9. I’ve been asking myself the same questions lately and you’re so right, it’s a really difficult thing to go through when you’re questioning what your purpose is and if you’re doing anything worthwhile that adds value to this world. I have no answers for you, only the support that you’re not the only one going through it. 🙂

    I can tell you I also made a job switch four years ago to one that paid less that I thought would be more rewarding. Still undecided if it was worth it.

  10. Dr. Nadia says:

    This is such a great post and raises questions worth asking. At different points in life we can be asking these questions. I read a quote that really reaonated with me: ‘be fearless in the pursuit of what sets your soul on fire’. So be fearless and never stop asking the questions to find what fuels you.

  11. melissa says:

    this is a very good and relatable post to anyone that ay going through this as well. I believe at some point in our lives we find ourself in this position,

  12. emman damian says:

    Keep your head high! You can do it! It’s just a phase! Go girl!

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